to do list for 12/3

1. Wake at 5 am with Ben standing over you. He tells you his tummy hurts and he has to throw up. Take him to the bathroom, watch him cough and tell you he's better now.

2. While the rest of the family sleeps, use your free time at 5:15 am to clean the living room, since you're wide awake anyway. What else would you possibly want to do that early in the morning?

3. At 5:30 am, Ben will tell you that he has to throw up. You tell him to go into the bathroom, and he'll tell you that he thinks he already threw up. On the stairs.

4. Clean up vomit until 5:45 am.

5. Call in to work at 6:30 am.

6. Evan will wake around 7 am. He will tell you that he needs to poop. Take him to the bathroom. False alarm. Flush toilet, wash hands, etc.

7. 7:05 am - false alarm #2. There are usually 4-5 false alarms until the real thing. Until then, he's shooting blanks. Flush toilet, wash hands, etc.

8. 7:10 am - false alarm #3... or so you think. You let Evan do this one himself, as you think it will be another dress rehearsal. It's not. Evan will ask you to come help. When you get there, you realize 1. he DID in fact poo, and 2. he didn't make it to the toilet. You'll notice not only is it on the floor and both rugs in the bathroom, it's in the heating register. And down in the duct. And it's runny.

9. Wish you would have kept the nickel between your knees approximately 4 and 6 years ago.

10. Clean quite possibly the nastiest mess you've ever had to clean. You are a human pooper scooper.

11. Everyone else awakens, and you're in a bad mood already. Realize it's only 8:00 am. Listen to Lauren tell you how tired he is. Snarl.

12. Make breakfast for the family, clean kitchen a little.

13. Work on photos for obnoxious mothers of high school seniors. After all, each of these mothers is your only customer.

14. 11:00 am - Lauren leaves for meeting with his accountant. Tells you he'll be back by 1:00 pm.

15. Turn on bath water to heat up for shower. Evan decides to jump in instead. Whatever. You let him because you don't feel like fighting. Give Evan a bath. The phone rings, you talk for 60 seconds, head back to the tub. Realize you forgot to remove the new bottle of kids body wash, and Evan has poured every last drop of it in the tub. Argh.

16. Shower, finally. Evan decides he has to pee while he's watching a movie, so instead of using the toilet, he pees into a bowl he finds. Eww.

17. Get ready for work. Ben tells you his stomach hurts again.

18. It's 1:00. Lauren calls to tell you he's on the south side, he's just leaving, will be home by 1:30 instead of 1:00. You're going to be even later for work. Lovely.

19. Leave for work at 1:40 pm. Lauren will call you at 1:45 to tell you that Ben had diarrhea as soon as you left. He didn't make it to the bathroom in time, and it's all over the floor in the bathroom. Laugh. It's finally his turn to clean up poo. 1 point.

20. 2:00 pm. Get to work. It's holiday decorating day. You totally forgot. Work for an hour.

21. Decorate from 3:00 to 4:45. Work with the decorations they gave you, until someone (a higher authority) tells you all the decorations are wrong, they're in the wrong place, everything has a place and obviously you don't know where that place is. You remind this person you didn't work here last year at this time. This person will pick at other things that aren't correct because they're not her way, then tell you not to get discouraged and keep decorating. Stare into space, dumbfounded. Hold your tongue. Don't get fired.

22. Decorate until 5:45. Finally, you can go home, as everyone else has left.

23. Get home. The boys are still taking a nap. They awaken, and you ask how they're feeling. They are both whiny. They are both thirsty. You won't let Ben have apple cider or milk since he's had vomiting and diarrhea today. He will yell at you because he wants lemonade, but you are out. You offer him a pedialyte popsicle, and he cries.

24. Ask the boys what daddy made them for lunch. They tell you daddy didn't make them anything. It's 6:15 pm.

25. Make lunch for the boys. Tell them you picked up the first season of The Muppet Show from the library for them. They whine and tell you they hate the muppet show. Exercise your patience and don't yell. Tell them sternly not to talk back and/or whine.

26. Sit down to blog about your shiteous day. Hope everyone gets a good laugh... you know in time you will. Or you might. Someday. Go to bed early so the day can end. Quickly. Now.